I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
