I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
