Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize
