I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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