Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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