On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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