Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
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Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
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He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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