just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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