Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
