Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
