Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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