WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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