We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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