Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
