I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
