just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
