The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
