oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
