my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
