please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How external is "for external use only"?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
