babies were throwing up all over the place
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Don't EVER smell your tampon
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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