He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
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