I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
