yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
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He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
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If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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