I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
