he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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