all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
