do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
