So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Randomize
