No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
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