So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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