o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
