oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
