sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
why do cheetos always look like penises
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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