I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
