i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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