meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
