A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
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