Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
