Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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