Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
