I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
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