Your face is a jimmy john
there's paper in my vomit.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
