remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
