I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
