i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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