he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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