The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
