My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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