I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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