And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
