Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
